用什么代替“對(duì)不起”

What to Say to Little Kids

Instead of "Say Sorry"

作者/Author - Michelle Woo

為了給女兒挑選一個(gè)好的學(xué)校，我參觀了許多幼兒園。在其中一個(gè)幼兒園的操場(chǎng)上，我看到孩子們?cè)诨輹r(shí)，一個(gè)小男孩不小心踩到了一個(gè)小女孩的手指，小女孩疼的放聲大哭。但是，接下來發(fā)生的事讓我震驚。

When touring different preschools for my daughter, I visited one where I got to observe the kids playing on the playground. While climbing the ladder on the slide, a little boy accidentally stepped on a little girl’s finger, and she started crying. What happened next left me astounded.

3歲的小男孩走到小女孩身邊，看著她的眼睛問道：“你還好嗎？ 需要我給你拿一條濕毛巾嗎？“

她擦了擦眼淚，搖了搖頭，然后他們倆便繼續(xù)去玩滑滑梯了。

The boy, who was 3, went up to the girl, looked her in the eye and asked, “Are you okay? Can I get you a wet towel?”

She wiped her tears, shook her head no, and they both went back to playing.

我問站在我旁邊的老師：“他為什么不說‘對(duì)不起’呢？”

“我們不會(huì)讓孩子說'對(duì)不起'。”她解釋道。 “如果沒有采取行動(dòng)幫助改善事情的狀況，那么‘對(duì)不起’這個(gè)詞并不具備任何意義。”

I looked at the preschool director, like, uh, what was that?

“We don’t make kids say ‘sorry,’” she explained. “The word doesn’t mean much without an action to help make things better.”

這次交流顛覆了我以往的認(rèn)知，在每次發(fā)生一些小摩擦、或只是不小心碰倒了別人的樂高作品時(shí)，許多父母更傾向于強(qiáng)迫孩子們道歉。通常情況下，父母?jìng)兿葧?huì)表現(xiàn)出一個(gè)嚴(yán)厲的表情，質(zhì)問孩子，“你說什么？！”然后，當(dāng)孩子終于不情不愿嘀咕出一句“對(duì)不起”時(shí)，父母?jìng)兙蜁?huì)感覺自我良好，覺得自己很好的教育了孩子什么叫做禮儀。

The exchange was such a departure from what I was used to seeing among parents, who tend to force apologies from their children for every accidental bump, whack, and knock-down of a just-built Lego masterpiece. Usually, they’ll give the kid a stern look, and ask, “Hey, what do you say?” Then, when the child mutters a robotic “sorry,” all is good! Manners! We’re teaching them!

但實(shí)際上這種方法可能毫無意義，Heather Shumaker曾在她的書中寫道：對(duì)于培養(yǎng)有能力和有同情心的孩子來說，可以允許ta不進(jìn)行分享或違反規(guī)則。Shumaker解釋說，孩子們喜歡“對(duì)不起”這個(gè)詞，因?yàn)檫@個(gè)詞能讓他們擺脫困境。“這有點(diǎn)像教育孩子成為肇事逃逸的司機(jī)，”她寫道。 說“對(duì)不起”的問題在于，許多年幼的孩子 - 比如學(xué)齡前的孩子 - 尚未達(dá)到道德發(fā)展的階段，所以一昧強(qiáng)調(diào)“對(duì)不起”只會(huì)讓父母錯(cuò)過了教導(dǎo)孩子學(xué)會(huì)同情的關(guān)鍵機(jī)會(huì)。

But this approach might be mostly meaningless, writes Heather Shumaker in her bookIt’s OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids. Children love?the word “sorry,” Shumaker explains, as it magically lets them off the hook. “It’s a little like teaching kids to be hit-and-run drivers,” she writes. The problem with the “sorry” solution is that many young children—say, preschool age—haven’t reached a stage of moral development to actually feel sorry, so parents are missing a key opportunity to teach real empathy.

Shumaker寫道：

年幼的孩子有時(shí)會(huì)欺騙我們。他們可以模仿“對(duì)不起”，甚至在另一個(gè)孩子哭泣時(shí)哭泣，但實(shí)際上大多數(shù)的孩子無法產(chǎn)生“抱歉”的情緒。孩子跟成人不同，大多數(shù)孩子可能從小就具備各方面的才能，但卻缺乏對(duì)懊悔的情緒和認(rèn)知發(fā)展。悔恨需要從他人的角度出發(fā)，要有充分理解因果關(guān)系的能力，而孩子缺乏這種能力。讓年幼的孩子說“對(duì)不起”是一個(gè)錯(cuò)誤的課程，就像在教他們：踢，說“對(duì)不起”，然后繼續(xù)踢。

Shumaker writes:

Young kids sometimes fool us. They can mimic “Sorry” and even cry when another child cries, but most children are not capable of being sorry yet. Children differ—you may have an early bloomer—but most children simply lack the emotional and cognitive development to feel remorse. Remorse requires the ability to take another person’s perspective and fully understand cause and effect. These skills are still emerging in young children. Expecting young kids to say “Sorry” teaches them nothing more than a misguided lesson in sequence: kick, say “Sorry,” move on.

相反，父母可以通過解釋不好的行為會(huì)產(chǎn)生后果，來幫助孩子發(fā)展道德同情，明白自己可以做些什么來改善事情的狀況，并以身作則說“對(duì)不起”。

對(duì)于日常會(huì)發(fā)生的小事故，Shumaker提供以下步驟：

Instead, parents can help kids develop moral compassion by explaining that their actions have consequences, showing that they can do something to make things better and modeling ways to use the word “sorry” meaningfully.

For everyday accidents, Shumaker offers these steps:

1?

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